Inferiority Complex

iNfeRiOrItY cOmPleX

I think I am developing the above syndrome. it's probably due to certain events that have occurred to me these few days. Dun think I will care to elaborate much.
1) Quote "This kind of creative thing, Xiong cannot do one" Once again, guess have to re-emphasise that a company clerk, you only get tasks like "typing a document, interpretation of data etc" I was never tasked to take up higher-order tasks, which probably require more brain juices, these are reserved for those who are perceived to be more creative and flexible, maybe I am indeed less capable
2) OC wanted to appoint him as vice-chair, I am not jealous or envious; deep down inside I was just doubting my capabilities. Maybe I am indeed inferior.
3) WO Lui gave me an hourly rate of $2.60 to work in the workshop while there are people's hourly wage can be up to $8. Maybe I am indeed useless in the workshop.
4) Quote " Xiong drives like a girl". probably too defensive. Had a rather close shave in Yuwei's carpark, the car was like super close to the van. Maybe I indeed do not have the judgement for parking or driving.
5) Quote" IPPT keeps you fit, anyway u are unfit". I try to really put in my effort during life- runs, there aint much improvement. Probably no faster than when I was in DHS or VJC. Cant seem to coordinate my breathing along with my running pace, maybe I am indeed unfit.

I remembered I told myself in secondary one that I do not want to compete with people around me in terms of studies, sports or whatsoever. I just could not take it when there are people kept asking how much i got for this examination or test. I wanted to compete with myself and thus i set goals for myself to achieve. Seven years down the road, I realised I set goals quite easily attainable for myself. 12mins flat for my 2.4 timing and I am probably satisfied. I am not pushing myself to the limits. Been living in this comfort zone for too long, I begin to lose sight of my peers. I am oblivious to the surroundings, my peers are surging forward in this race, leaving me far far behind, living in my own world.

tHe afTeRmaTh

tHe aftErMaTh

I need to find a source of motivation for myself, half a year ago, it was to get a license. Until now, i have not found myself one yet. I am hoping to indulge myself in some work, some real work after I stepped down. Been helping around in the workshop but its not something which i realli can derive satifaction from. Luckily, Shiyao got me to be involved in the planning of the unit anniversary, hopefully this will keep me occupied till i start clearing my leave.

I realised I can be quie mean when i don't like someone. To quote Andrew:‘恨一个人是很辛苦的’. I am glad I am not prejudiced against him anymore. I was being unsympathetic and insensitive, prob even going to the extent of bad-mouthing the person. Though he still gets on my nerves at times, I shall no longer be that 小器雄 that I am sometimes being labelled as.

My finances aint in good shape.. I do not know where I spent my money every month. My mum accused me of not saving any money during my NS days, but she is only partially right. I am putting aside $100 for my AIA insurance/ investment plan since 2003, just that these money is not liquid, hopefully its earning a hefty interest for me. People, pls stop me if u think I am splurging on things i shant spend money on. You can help too, by clicking on the google ads on the right. So far, I have earned US$7.96...

Question of the day:
1) How many 21st birthday parties do you think you will attend this year?

First Entry "Reloaded"

mY fIrSt eNtry 'Reloaded'

The content of this entry should be in my first entry, glad that I can finally pen this down. 'I passed my driving test!!!' though with 14 points, yup i still passed. Luck was probably on my side, was still having the jitters during warm up. Really heaved a sigh of relief. Wanna thank all for the good luck messages from Steph, Jon, Vijay, my sis, Wilford, msg tan... I dint waste the luck. Well i must say, this must be one of the happiest event that happened in my life since i enlisted ya!

What's with the ads? Guys, a few of you have asked about the ads on my blog. Well, they are Google AdSense ads, and, peiyi was the one who recommended me to sign up. Basically, all you have to do is create an account with Google, then put the code onto your blog that serves the ads. Then, when your visitors click on one of the ads, you get paid. It's really that simple. So, that's what the ads are all about. No big deal ... they don't make the page take any longer to download and they don't distract from my blog. Let me know if they get on your nerves. People have asked me whether this is a hoax or for real, hm i wont know until i get paid, so in the mean time probably u guys out there can try clicking on the ads ya?

The Race

Competitive Streak

I never thought that I had the competitive streak in me. I was not upset nor jealous when I knew about the truth on Thursday. I literally felt the immense pressure that was on me. I wanted to find some corner of the room and be in solitude...I went home. I thought I hid my emotions well...I always thought I did, till Lionel sent me this message "Xiong seems quite upset after knowing the truth". I really pray to have the same result on Monday.

Happie New Year 2005

Happy New Year 2005

Finally it's my year,the year that I become Operationally Ready. You may be wondering wat I am doing at home at this time on 31st December. I am not in Zouk, Sentosa, Orchard Road or Esplanade. No fireworks, just alone in front of this small monitor, in a 5-Rm HDB flat. Counting Down? I seemed to have grown out of it, dun think I see the point of standing with a big crowd, counting down the last 20 seconds before the start of a brand new year. Such precious moments should be spent with your dear ones, or at least alone reflecting on the previous year and make some resolutions for the coming year.

2004 had had its ups and downs, I lost my dearest aunt back in January. It had been a long time since I had shed my tears. Her departure was so sudden. The feeling was immense like a piece of flesh cut out from your body and the pain was indeed excruciating. Her image remains forever etched in my mind.

The offer of a teaching scholarship came in March and I accepted it. Partly due to interest to teach and influence people's lives and to lighten the financial burden for my Mum who got retrenched earlier in March. Close friends who knoe me well were concerned with my decision, the desire to teach was never strong in me but they never knew it became stronger when i see my tuition kid do well. This decision may probably affect my entire life and deep down inside in the bottom of my heart, i pray that i wont regret this.

I've finally stepped down as the company clerk in September after one year of service.It was an enriching experience, working with demanding superiors, unreasonable and incompetent people and orientating the new guys. Guess nothing wears me out as much as the constant need of putting on different masks when facing different people. Yes, I am a hypocrite and I don't deny it. Aren't You?

The one person I have let down most this year is probably her. It is a queer relationship that we are having now. There are things which seemed to be unsettled and I being a bastard (Vijay calls me this) am not doing much either. Don't think on the wrong tracks, it's not some drama serial that the guy got some girl pregnant or watsoever. I have to admit that I am selfish and that I need a lot of breathing space for myself. It aint easy to be the special someone in my life. The problem is with me, really.

I remembered noe of my new year resolutions for 2004 was to pass my driving but sadly i failed to accomplish that. Oh ya, my driving test is coming and stay tuned for the latest updates. 2005 got to be an exciting year ahead and I will be going back to my studying days. I am sure i need some oiling for my rusty brains. On a lighter note, here are some of my humble new year resolutions:

1) Pass my driving test!
2) Learn some photoshop, dreamweaver, HTML, flash and the list goes on
3) Enjoy my remaining mths in camp, 2 mths to be exact, with close dudes in camp
4) Get a relief teaching post at my alma mater or any other schools available
5) Be less hypocritcal?
6) A better person?


Quotes of the day:
1) "People around you are suffering because of the tsunami and you are talking about what you want for 21st birthday?"
2) "Mother Nature is punishing mankind for all the damage we had done to her, it's something called retribution"